Family...

This is my first holiday season as a Patterson. Although, I believe we sent Christmas cards to Shanon's family last year, meeting them for holidays was not in the cards. We were in the thick of wedding planning, and time and money were at a premium. The fact of the matter is, Shanon hadn't spent the holidays with his family in years...enter Tracy...hahaha! Now he's got his family and my crazy family to deal with...for all the holidays :):) I know he wouldn't change a thing (well, except maybe to have my kids be more on board, but everything in it's own time...) Shanon is no longer a single guy, on his own program...he's a family guy now, doing family things...Ha! And while I'm sure this is a big adjustment for him, I cannot tell you how excited I am to have  another sister, and brother and more nieces and another nephew! More kids! Yeah!

My sister and I, being the only two kids (seven years apart) with only one first cousin, craved more family with whom  to share birthdays and holidays... we did our best to re-populate the family, and we did a darn good job! Nikki has some great sisters-in-law that I consider my "almost-in-laws" and I was able to maintain a relationship with some of my in-laws from the ex's family. In fact, this year I really feel closer to my sis on that side, than I ever really have, and I'm thankful for that relationship. (So many were lost in the divorce, I'm thankful that we were able to negotiate our friendship despite everything.)

I'm also extremely thankful that Shanon's family has accepted me as their own. What great people! I love them so much, and I love that while planning our family Christmas, Sheri sends me emails that say, "Hey, sis!"  I have a new sister, and I cannot express to you how that feels. This holiday season I am so happy to be able to celebrate with my new family.

The thing is, family is a fluid entity.... I never ever thought about that as a kid. As a kid, it was mom, dad, Nikki, and I. We were blessed with both sets of grandparents (although, Dad's dad died before my birth, so insert Aunt G as the second "grandparent" on that side). We also had great grandparents, and an Aunt, Uncle and cousin. That was our family. I didn't realize that would ever really change, until as I got a little older, we started to lose grandparents, and great Aunts and Uncles.


As the older ones started to pass, other things changed, I got married (enter in-laws).  More loved ones passed, Nikki got married (enter more in laws, and more and more and more kids). Kids are born, loved ones pass, people come and go, as in-laws, and suddenly the family doesn't resemble what you once knew.

I was reminded of how dynamic families can be this weekend,  not only with the joy that having a new sister brings, but also the strain that some new family members can bring. I was in the position to approach a situation with grace and humility. I did my best to mend what might be considered a sticky situation, and I dug down and found a reason to be thankful for my kids' step mother.  I know that I have been hard on the new Mrs. Beal in this blog, but I have to say that she has been kind to my kids, she has taken care of their laundry, and deals with their messes at her house without any complaint (at least not when anyone is around) ;) I appreciate all of that.  This weekend, when giving the kids to their dad, I noticed that Eli's suitcase was in the trunk of his dad's car....where it had been for a couple of months. No wonder he had been coming home in exactly what I sent him in! Geez! Poor kid! Here I tried to make things easy on everyone by sending enough clothes down to his dad's house, so we wouldn't have to send a bag every time he went, and the darn thing was still in the trunk 2 months later! So...what did I do? I decided it was time to talk to the step-mother. After exchanging pleasantries, I asked her if she would please see to it that Eli's clothes came inside the house, and if she would make sure that he was showered and changed into clean clothes when he was at their house. She politely agreed, putting her arms around Eli.

Even six months ago, this may have been tough for me, but I realize that I should be thankful that Eli has another adult in his life who cares about him. I should be very thankful that he has a step-mother who is willing to help take care of him when he's at dad's. (God knows his dad needs the help). She and I may never be the best of friends, but maybe we can learn a mutual appreciation for one another. It's an amazing feeling to let go of the bullsh*t, and just be appreciative of what each person in your life has to offer. (And when I say that, I do not mean in a material way...I mean to just appreciate what God given gifts and talents each person has to offer.) If I can accept their step-mother as part of their family, and therefore, and extension of mine, we are one step closer to living in harmony. Our family has changed forever. It's not what I ever expected, but these are now our family's dynamics. My children have step-parents. That's reality. Let me be the one to show the kids what acceptance and appreciation are. Maybe it's a small step, but at least it's a step in the right direction.

I know that it seems like such a simple concept, it's the circle of life, but when you really sit and look at your family, and reflect on how it's changed, I hope you look at each person with love and understanding. Things will change. Life is a journey. Sometimes you choose your family, and sometimes they're thrust upon you. Either way, it's a blessing. Family is a blessing. Period. I'm counting my blessings.

Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

Sad, Mad or Hurt?

There are some things in life I find extremely unfair.....yeah, yeah yeah, I know..."Life ain't fair!"  But that stinks.....

I just wish that everything was fair all of the time. I wish karma was faster. I wish that nice guys always finished first. I wish that being a good person was more appealing that being a jerk. However; that's simply not always the case....and being angry about that doesn't even help.

When I was a young, fiery twenty something, I would just pop off, and tell anyone what I thought. If you didn't share my viewpoint, you were wrong. If you didn't agree with me, you were clearly an idiot. In the case where you pissed me off, or wronged me or my family (in my eyes) I had no problem making your day miserable.... but over the years I lost that fire.

I think it was a combination of maturity, and just learning that all that really did was make things worse. It didn't matter so much with a lousy waitress, poor customer service, or frustrating bureaucracies, but it did matter in my personal life. Yelling made things worse in my marriage. Screaming hurt people's feelings, bitching made me seem.... well....bitchy. Being stubborn and having to have things my way was not a very attractive attribute, and even when I really had something to be made about, like catching my then husband using my credit card for internet porn, screaming and yelling about it only made the situation worse.

I'm not sure if I was trained by a narcissistic jerk to just relent, or if I finally just realized that I felt better, inside, if I could remain calm in the face of adversity....

I've been thinking about this lately, because frankly, I'm pissed. I'm pissed at how unfair this situation is....still is...and has no real end in sight. Not about all of the things my ex did that ultimately led to divorce, and breaking up a family. I'm over that. I'm really not even mad at him anymore. I've worked through all of that. I've really just moved on. Oh sure, there will always be unanswered questions, but they are just questions that no one can really answer...not even him, so there's no reason to dwell on it. Sh*t happens.

What I find so completely unfair and hurtful is the fact that even now, two years later, there are still people who I love very much, and would only even want the best for, who still cannot manage to be happy that I'm finally happy. I'm still fighting the same battles....and I'm pissed. But I feel like I'm not allowed to be pissed...like I wouldn't be a good person if I just said, "I AM SO PISSED!!!"

That said, I know that anger comes from hurt, and what I am is hurt, but there are days when I'd just like to be pissed. Yell, scream, and hand out punishments, like grounding people! But I can't.

I have been loving, understanding and respectful. I have given time and space, but it's what you do with that time, and no one is trying to heal. People are perfectly happy saying that this just is what it is....well, I'm sorry. That's just not fair, and it's not right. Not after what I have gone through to get back to a happy place.

For several years of my life, I was miserable. I cried myself to sleep, I couldn't eat.... I knew that life, as I knew it, was over. I knew that our family would never be the same. I knew there was absolutely nothing more I could do about it, because I had tried for years. I would think that seeing such a change in me.... now I can eat, I can sleep, I feel good, I'm happy...I'm not just going through the motions everyday...I'm living every day...and not just for my kids, but also for myself....I would think that would be enough for people who love me to say, "hey...ok...maybe we don't like your choice, maybe we don't like the situation, but we love you and we're here for you and we will always be here for you." Unfortunately, that just hasn't happened.

Why am I so hurt, mad, pissed? Because of this unwillingness, to change, or get help, or talk through it, or whatever needs to happen... I may never be able to celebrate the holidays in my home, with my husband, and all of my children together...and that not only stinks...it hurts!!! To make matters worse, I'm told that I "chose this" ?!?!?! What??? I never chose this.

First of all, how can you choose who your heart loves? Second, I did choose to get married, but I'm not the one choosing to separate my family into categories.... ok, I can be with the kids, but not my spouse... oh, now I can be with my spouse, and some of my kids.... oh, now I can be with everyone except a couple of the kids...it's like a never ending puzzle, how to figure out holidays and special occasions. Add to that, the fact that I have to share the kids with their dad...it's a cluster of vast proportions....no, this I didn't choose.

Bottom line, we are past the fact that our family crumbled from a divorce. We are past the fact that Mom's remarried....it's time to work on our new relationships. It's not just going to happen....it's obviously going to take work.  In the last couple of years, we should have grown as a family. So many things have happened to strengthen our bonds. So many trying times, should have given us the resolve we need  to say that nothing will ever come between us...

That's what I want to hear... nothing will ever come between us...we are too strong a family to let things come between us...if I say it enough, if I pray it enough...maybe it will eventually be so..... for now....I'm putting together the pieces of the puzzle....but I need help.

Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

Giving Thanks....

So SOMEONE (cough cough...Stacey...cough) has sort of asked me to start blogging again...and I had been thinking about it, but just hadn't sat down to do it.... well..... Stacey....ARE YOU HAPPY???

There's been so much going on since I last wrote, I don't even know where to start. There's so much swirling around in my head (and heart) right now I don't know where to begin. But Thanksgiving is coming up, so being Thankful is always a good place!

I am so Thankful that I have a job in Mahomet schools....not full time, but at least I'm working and meeting people, and have my rather large"foot in the door", so to speak, :):)

I am Thankful to be able to work in my kids' schools, and be home when they get home. I'm thankful to have such a fulfilling job, a job that I can actually see the kids learning, and the little light bulbs in their brains going on!

I am thankful for happy, healthy children. I love each and every one more than words could ever express, and 4 out of 6  have consented to coming home for Thanksgiving despite the "step parent issues" that still exist. (More on this later....but not in my "Thankful" blog.) Right now I will say that I am Thankful to be able to host my entire family for Thanksgiving.

I'm Thankful for my parents. So many people my age have lost their parents, and I am so thankful that they are still here to not only celebrate the holidays, but just to be in my life daily. Love you mom and dad.

I'm thankful for my sis and brother in law and all of my crazy little nieces and nephew. I'm even thankful for the "almost in-laws" I have in Jason's family. Love you all!

I am thankful that I am healthy and happy, and went through a horrible, trying time in my life, and am still here to talk about it, no worse for the wear, just older and wiser..... and I am very thankful for my best friend, the man who helped me through it. I am thankful for Shanon, my husband. No one really realizes what he does not only for me, but also for the kids every single day. I can honestly say, as the person who takes care of everyone, all the time, I have never been taken care of by another human being (aside from my parents, obviously) the way that he takes care of me every day, and I know that I don't say thank you enough to a person who always puts me first. So thank you, baby. I love you.

Now.... I guess that I should say that although I'm thankful for all I've been given, I am still struggling with certain relationships. I don't want to call anyone out specifically, or make anyone mad, so I'll just say that I'm constantly praying for healing for my family. I really thought that by now, we would be healed, as a family, and moved on, but again, I guess it's not meant to happen on my timeline. God will answer my prayers in His time...I just wish he'd hurry up!!! I don't know what else to do, other than pray....

As I'm writing this blog, so much is flowing into my mind...but for now I want to give thanks. I am so grateful for all that I have..... another day, another blog.... I will catch everyone up on life in Tracy's world....but today I am just Thankful..... and I'm thankful for my many friends, and the lives my writing has touched.

Even when life is not perfect, we have so much to be thankful for...not just in November...but every day!!!!

Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)