I just wish that everything was fair all of the time. I wish karma was faster. I wish that nice guys always finished first. I wish that being a good person was more appealing that being a jerk. However; that's simply not always the case....and being angry about that doesn't even help.
When I was a young, fiery twenty something, I would just pop off, and tell anyone what I thought. If you didn't share my viewpoint, you were wrong. If you didn't agree with me, you were clearly an idiot. In the case where you pissed me off, or wronged me or my family (in my eyes) I had no problem making your day miserable.... but over the years I lost that fire.
I think it was a combination of maturity, and just learning that all that really did was make things worse. It didn't matter so much with a lousy waitress, poor customer service, or frustrating bureaucracies, but it did matter in my personal life. Yelling made things worse in my marriage. Screaming hurt people's feelings, bitching made me seem.... well....bitchy. Being stubborn and having to have things my way was not a very attractive attribute, and even when I really had something to be made about, like catching my then husband using my credit card for internet porn, screaming and yelling about it only made the situation worse.
I'm not sure if I was trained by a narcissistic jerk to just relent, or if I finally just realized that I felt better, inside, if I could remain calm in the face of adversity....
I've been thinking about this lately, because frankly, I'm pissed. I'm pissed at how unfair this situation is....still is...and has no real end in sight. Not about all of the things my ex did that ultimately led to divorce, and breaking up a family. I'm over that. I'm really not even mad at him anymore. I've worked through all of that. I've really just moved on. Oh sure, there will always be unanswered questions, but they are just questions that no one can really answer...not even him, so there's no reason to dwell on it. Sh*t happens.
What I find so completely unfair and hurtful is the fact that even now, two years later, there are still people who I love very much, and would only even want the best for, who still cannot manage to be happy that I'm finally happy. I'm still fighting the same battles....and I'm pissed. But I feel like I'm not allowed to be pissed...like I wouldn't be a good person if I just said, "I AM SO PISSED!!!"
That said, I know that anger comes from hurt, and what I am is hurt, but there are days when I'd just like to be pissed. Yell, scream, and hand out punishments, like grounding people! But I can't.
I have been loving, understanding and respectful. I have given time and space, but it's what you do with that time, and no one is trying to heal. People are perfectly happy saying that this just is what it is....well, I'm sorry. That's just not fair, and it's not right. Not after what I have gone through to get back to a happy place.
For several years of my life, I was miserable. I cried myself to sleep, I couldn't eat.... I knew that life, as I knew it, was over. I knew that our family would never be the same. I knew there was absolutely nothing more I could do about it, because I had tried for years. I would think that seeing such a change in me.... now I can eat, I can sleep, I feel good, I'm happy...I'm not just going through the motions everyday...I'm living every day...and not just for my kids, but also for myself....I would think that would be enough for people who love me to say, "hey...ok...maybe we don't like your choice, maybe we don't like the situation, but we love you and we're here for you and we will always be here for you." Unfortunately, that just hasn't happened.
Why am I so hurt, mad, pissed? Because of this unwillingness, to change, or get help, or talk through it, or whatever needs to happen... I may never be able to celebrate the holidays in my home, with my husband, and all of my children together...and that not only stinks...it hurts!!! To make matters worse, I'm told that I "chose this" ?!?!?! What??? I never chose this.
First of all, how can you choose who your heart loves? Second, I did choose to get married, but I'm not the one choosing to separate my family into categories.... ok, I can be with the kids, but not my spouse... oh, now I can be with my spouse, and some of my kids.... oh, now I can be with everyone except a couple of the kids...it's like a never ending puzzle, how to figure out holidays and special occasions. Add to that, the fact that I have to share the kids with their dad...it's a cluster of vast proportions....no, this I didn't choose.
Bottom line, we are past the fact that our family crumbled from a divorce. We are past the fact that Mom's remarried....it's time to work on our new relationships. It's not just going to happen....it's obviously going to take work. In the last couple of years, we should have grown as a family. So many things have happened to strengthen our bonds. So many trying times, should have given us the resolve we need to say that nothing will ever come between us...
That's what I want to hear... nothing will ever come between us...we are too strong a family to let things come between us...if I say it enough, if I pray it enough...maybe it will eventually be so..... for now....I'm putting together the pieces of the puzzle....but I need help.
Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)
