looking back...

While putting the laundry away today (after teaching all day, attending an IEP meeting, picking up the boys from school, and getting slushies on the way home) I hung up a basketball jersey that Nick wore in about the 7th grade, when he played travel ball. Clearly, he still wears it. As I was putting it on the hanger, I realized that my kids have so many great memories. Memories of ball teams, tae kwon do tournaments, our church family (and a Mom who sang "The Sunday School" song to wake them on Sunday morning.) They have memories of holidays spent with family, and birthday parties with family and friends. They have memories of siblings being born, and of course, all of the things that brothers and sisters do to annoy one another.  I started to realize, that kids are so resilient. Way more resilient than adults. My kids' relationships with their siblings have changed, and grown stronger. They are more mature, and they definitely spend more time being there for one another than they do annoying one another (for the most part.)

It just really hit home that the resilience of kids allows them to bounce back so quickly. I have seen them watching home movies and laughing about how funny they were when they were little.  I have listened to them reminisce about how they won their trophies. It dawned on me that all of these happy memories have far outweighed the bad ones.  Even though they had a pretty rough couple of years, we are already back to making good memories. Their father and I spent every waking moment trying to raise happy, healthy, well-adjusted adults. Even though we didn't get to finish that together, as a unit, it's still the goal. I have to say that I do carry a lot of guilt (I was raised Lutheran....guilt is just as much a part of me as my left arm) for putting those kids through what they went through during the divorce. I wish I could have protected them from the fighting and the graphic stories they heard from their father about his philandering. But the bottom line is that protecting them from what he was doing was making me sick. Literally.

I've said so many times that you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of your kids. Your kids need a strong, healthy mom. So I finally had to do what I had to do, which was get out. But, as painful as that whole process was, for all involved, the kids still have so many happy memories. I know at first, the bad overshadows the good, but it seems like all of the good is seeping back in. They are able to look back and laugh. They are able to remember and smile....watching them remember the happy times warms my heart. I have been so focused on starting over, and making a new normal, I forgot that it's ok to look back and be happy, too.

Looking at pictures of my babies, and watching home movies is still delightful. Even though my ex and his wife, like to call me "bitter" I believe they are confusing "bitterness" with a general distaste for them. I don't feel "bitter". I am now able to look back and feel the same happiness that I always have. I'm able to be thankful that I had that life, and I'm always extremely thankful that I have these kids. Do I like what their father did to me and our family? No. Am I supposed to? Do I have to like someone who hurt me so blatantly over and over, and destroyed our family? I don't think so. Does it make me a "bitter" person? I don't think so. Don't we all have people who we dislike, for good reason? Don't we all have people who, for one reason or another, we'd rather not associate with? I think so. Does that make us "bitter"? Not really. Learning who you can and cannot trust doesn't make you bitter, it makes you smart.


My happiness is still so connected to the kids' happiness. I still feel their pain, literally. When they are hurting, it hurts me, but by the same token, I feel such joy in their happiness. Every little step they take toward normalcy, and happiness makes me happy. Seeing their faces light up with laughter, makes my day.... and I realize.... I'm happy if they're happy....and they are happy. The worst part of this storm has passed....


Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

finding a balance...

I am off today, not by choice, but because Eli is sick. He has the croup, which can be a scary thing in the middle of the night. Good thing I'm not a rookie mom. I just sat with him in the bathroom while we let the shower get steamy. After steaming him like a fern for 15 min, he was able to sleep...and so was I.


I know I've said it before in my blog, but hats off to all of you working moms! I'm still trying to figure all of this out. When I got up this morning, I prayed that Eli would feel good enough to go to school.... but of course.... it's Tracy's world....No. Such. Luck.  I had to "call in" to work. I sent a text to my principal, and I was terrified because I was recently sick for 2 school days, for which I had to stay home, and I thought he was going to burst something in his head every time I had to call in. I hate to feel like I'm letting someone down. I hate to feel like I'm not meeting anyone's expectations, but by the same token, as a mom, I have to do what my kids need me to do for them, and that has to be my first priority.


Today, Eli needed to stay home, go to the doctor, get on meds, and be under the humidifier, so that's what we did.... and what really chaps my butt? Men don't really ever have to make these decisions between career and kids. That's why I feel like it's easier to work for a woman. First quarter, I worked for a woman principal who was sooooooooooooo understanding about kids' needs. She's a great lady.....clearly she had been a working mom, herself. Oh well, I'm sure eventually I'll find the right fit. Eventually I'll find the right balance and the right job that will allow me to have the best of both worlds.


Currently, I'm looking into getting my Master's degree. I'm starting to get a lot of advice from a lot of good sources. I would love to be a Guidance Counselor, so I think that's the ultimate goal, but I just got off the phone with a counselor from EIU who has a Elem Ed program at Parkland. After talking to him, it sounds like getting yet another Bachelor's degree, first, may be a good route to go. So I would have a B.A. and a B.S. , and THEN start work on my Master's. There's really no down side to this other than the amount of time it would take, and I'm not getting any younger. (Although with all of the classes that I already have, it really wouldn't take that long.) So...these are the things rattling around in my head right now. Hopefully I'll have more insight next week.... I'm going to an informational meeting Parkland is holding, so I guess it was the right time to start asking questions. (Like I always say, it's not my timeline...it's His.)


Eli is turning six this week! I can't believe it. It doesn't seem possible that he is 6 years old! I have been emailing back and forth with his birth mom, trying to figure out when we can meet for his birthday, this year. She's such a wonderful person. I could not imagine my life without Eli, and I can not imagine what she went through in giving him to me.  It takes a very special person to be able to place their child for adoption. She will tell you that she has never looked back. She is so pleased with her decision, and so happy that I'm his mom. She and I have an indescribable bond. We are both Eli's moms, but in very different ways. We both want only what's best for Eli. When you set yourself aside, and look at what's best for someone else, amazing things tend to happen. I won't tell you her story, because it's hers to tell, but for my side of the story, our decision to adopt, and everything that followed was nothing but a blessing to our family.


 Eli's birth mom is an amazing person, who for her own reasons, was considering adoption for her baby. She had worked with Danny, and knew our family. She saw us as good, loving, stable parents. She wanted her baby to have lots of siblings to play with....boy, did we fit that bill. The adoption process was, for  us, as easy as it gets. (Still stressful with all of the hoops you have to jump through, but overall, it was a dream.) Everything happens for a reason.... so many things had to happen in order for Eli to become a part of our family, and yet, it all just fell into place. I feel so blessed by Eli and his birth mom. We are so very lucky to have her in our lives, and for Eli to know that she loves him....it was never about not being loved or wanted. That's important for him to know.


 She planted a rose bush for Eli right after he was born, and each year, on his birthday, she gives me a rose from that bush.... it still brings tears to my eyes. I know how hard it was for her to walk out of that hospital without a baby, and for her to go home and plant a rose bush for him.... well.... it just really leaves me speechless.... like I said, she's an amazing lady.


I have so much more that I could write about, but so little time. I'm helping Nick with a paper on Adoption....I have a sick kid home, I swore I'd do laundry today, and it's almost time to pick up Stret from school.... who can we petition to add an extra day into the week? (A weekend day, of course!)

Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

this and that

I'd like to start off by saying THANK YOU to all who made my bridal shower such a special day...  my mom and sister for giving me the shower (and Shanon for helping with that). Thank you to all of my loving friends... friends that I've had for 20+ years, and friends that I've recently become close to... and a special family member who surprised me. Family is more that blood, or even marriage. Family is formed in a lot of different ways, and I was so humbled to know that even after something as terrible as divorce, people can choose to remain family. My sister in law, will always be my sister in law, and for that, I am thankful.I feel very loved.

You all truly made that a very special day, and I cannot wait to see you all at my wedding!!! 


So I'm off today. This is the first day of my 4 day weekend. Again, I'm most excited about getting my house clean (sick, I know).... I'm also going to get some wedding things done, some Easter Bunny things, and some Tracy things. Hopefully the "Tracy things" will include, not only blogging, but also running and reading. I have Harlan Coben on my Kindle, and ever since Danielle put a kindle app on my phone, I hardly ever play Words With Friends or Draw Something, so if I've left you hanging with games, blame my daughter....or Harlan Coben for being such a great writer.


We get to use Easter as an excuse to have family time this weekend, and I'm excited about that. It's a comforting feeling to go home to Mom and Dad's and be taken care of. In years past, I hosted the whole family for holidays, birthdays, etc. I had the biggest house, and really enjoyed having everyone. Now, I'm in a smaller place, so, while I still host things from time to time, we sort of spread it around, and take turns now, which is great. My sister has a pool, so I'm all for 4th of July at her place. 


I only have one little one left, who believes in the Easter Bunny. I probably have one or two more Easter's to play the bunny and hide eggs and baskets. Of course, I will probably always do Easter baskets for all of the kids, but there's something so sweet about little ones who still believe in the magic of the Easter Bunny and Santa Clause. I just love it. So this Easter morning, I will have the joy of watching Eli excitedly hunt for eggs and tear into his basket, and for that, I'm thankful.

There are so many blessings in my life that I'm thankful for right now; I'm thankful for the people God has placed in my life. My caring friends, my loving almost husband, my amazing kids....and, I'm also very thankful for my job.

When I go to school every day, we say two pledges every morning. We, of course, say the Pledge of Allegiance, but we also say our school's pledge:

“Today is a new day. A day that I will:
Promise to respect myself, others, and my school,
Learn all I can, practice patience and peace, and make good choices.
A day that I will do my best.”

When you say this with a room full of 7 year olds every day, it begins to make you think. It makes you really strive to do all of these things. Respect myself, and others.... practice patience and peace.... do my best... and every morning I'm reminded, "Today is a new day." So, if I screwed it up yesterday, I get to try again today.

I have to say, that in most areas, I've done pretty well at all of this stuff. I'm a patient mom and teacher. I'm a respectful co-worker, sister, daughter.  I make good choices daily.... although there is always room for improvement, but I'm giving myself a B+ on most of this stuff. 

Admittedly,  there are some people, who are unfortunately in the peripheral part of my life, who I haven't learned how to deal with. Actually, I'd rather not have to deal with them, but alas.....

So....today is a new day....a day that I will promise to respect myself and others.....learn all I can, practice patience and peace,and make good choices.....a day that I will do my best....

 I have recently had cause to seriously ponder how I can put this pledge into practice daily, not only for those situations which make it easy, but also those difficult situations that tend to play out in my blog... I'm not going to promise anyone that if you're in my life, you won't make my blog, but I will try to be more respectful. I have taken my kids' concerns to heart, and I've tried very hard not to bring up sensitive matters involving them, in the blog. I've tried to let them have some privacy, and I'm making sure the links don't end up in their friends' facebook or twitter feeds...

By the same token, I can refrain from calling people offensive names. (I believe that may be what caused the backlash from "you know who" last week.... correct me if I'm wrong, JB)

I'm inherently a very sarcastic person, and people will just have to deal with that. It's a part of my personality that's not likely to change, at this point. I have been really working on myself for the last several years, I've become stronger, more patient, more understanding, more open minded, less judgmental, but I haven't seen any change in the level of sarcasm....in fact it may be worse.... I guess it's a coping mechanism.... yeah....I'm pretty sure it's just my personality.... so deal with it....

But the bottom line is, I love the peaceful life I've created for myself. I  love our walks to the park, with Eli. I love our talks in the car, when I pick up the boys from school. I love stopping for slushies after school.  I love fixing dinner while the boys are in the next room watching tv. I love chilling on the back patio with Shanon. I love my daily life. I love my family filled weekends. I love the feeling of being loved. It's so different from what I previously had in my life. I have no worries about what shoe may drop next.

There are people, who I love, that I do worry about, but I've learned to trust God, and believe that He is in control.  I have learned to have a stronger faith. I have learned to believe that everything happens for a reason. I have learned to give my worries to God, and enjoy my life. All I want is peace. I can't control others, but I can control myself, and I can control my reactions. So, I will practice patience and peace. I will respect myself and others. I will do my best to keep the peace in my life that I've created, and I will not validate the drama that others thrive on.

I'm about to have an amazing four days with family and friends. Happy Easter, everyone.....enjoy......


Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)