follow up

Well..... I've had time to process the craziness that took place yesterday. I have to say, that I do much better with things of that nature when I sleep on it. I can honestly say that one thing I've learned about myself is that I should not react immediately. My initial response to things like that is to attack. However, if I let it set. Sleep on it, and take a deep breath, I realize that when someone behaves in a certain fashion, I have no control over that. All I can control is my reaction to it.  I don't feel like I handled the situation with the self respect, dignity, and grace that I've tried to have throughout all of these really tough times. I've learned how to have more patience, more understanding, and I've had a lot of practice taking the higher ground. The problem is, there are times, like yesterday, that my knee jerk reaction is to give it right back to the drama causing  ass faces.

There is some satisfaction in standing up for yourself, and fighting back; however, you can stand up for yourself without feeding into the drama, and that's where I went wrong yesterday. I truly contemplated just ignoring her b.s., but instead of letting it rest, I grabbed the computer and set off to make my point.... and boy did I make my point. I can't say I'm sorry for what I said, or how I reacted. I'm not going to apologize to her, or anyone else. My reaction was totally justified. But, I will say that I'm a little disappointed in myself.  I have taken great pride in the woman I've become. I'm proud of myself for coming through the most horrible time in my life, and coming out on the other side, stronger, better and smarter. Smart enough to know that arguing with a child who's not even old enough to have a fully developed frontal lobe yet, is going to get me nowhere.  Smart enough to realize that me playing into her hand like that was exactly what she was hoping for. Smart enough to know that if you roll with the pigs, you'll end up muddy.

So, I haven't heard back from MMO, but if I do, it won't make the blog.....well maybe a mention here or there, but I won't post her nonsense on my blog again. That was the last of stepmama drama. I refuse to be a party to her infantile behavior. I won't go back and forth with her on here, or anywhere. As far as I'm concerned, she and I will never have the need to communicate, unless it begins with a big fat apology from her for her asinine behavior.

Clearly she doesn't like my blog...then why does she read it? Clearly she doesn't like me... I'm sure that's mostly based on what her fiance tells her about me. I really don't care. But what's the point of reading my blog, and stalking my twitter? My advice to MMO is to live your life, make friends, focus on your new home and your soon to be husband. Make your new life a happy one, because screaming at someone in all caps about how happy you are, isn't really believable. Spewing venom and shooting insults via email is proof of your unhappiness and misery. Focusing your disdain on someone so peripheral to your life is not only pathetic, it's sad. I am not the person making you unhappy. I am not responsible for your misery. I am not the one you need to convince that you are happy....in fact, I think you were only trying to convince yourself. 

I have nothing to prove. I've lived 2 of her lifetimes. I'm proud of who I've become and what I've accomplished. I do not need to put others down, or insult their accomplishments to make myself feel good. I do not need to worry about what others say or think about me. In fact, what others think of me, is really none of my business. The only thing that really matters is how I view myself. Truthfully, I'm probably harder on myself than anyone else could ever be. I am always striving to be a better person, to do better, to try harder, to learn  more.... I'm nowhere near being a finished product.... I'm always working on myself. Which is why I realize that I should have read her comment,  and then slept on it before I wrote a blog. It would have been a whole different blog. Honestly, today, I almost feel sorry for her......almost.....


Today was a better day.... I'm taking my own advice... today...I bought the shoes (today's photo) ;)



Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

You want it? You got it.....

So... Miss Mail Order is having some kind of a bitch fit that she wishes to include me in..... first off, let me just say that I'm torn between ignoring her rambling nonsense, and tell her the eff off. The new me wants to take the higher ground, post it, like she asked, and leave it alone. I have no intention of going back and forth with this bitch. I'm 41 years old, and I have no intention of engaging in high school bullshit with her. If she came to the U.S. to sit at home, pop out kids and collect "her money" from a Dr., that's one thing, but to play high school games with the mother of her husband's children? I refuse.


We need to get a few things straight, first of all, this is my blog....I'll say what I like. No one will tell me what I can and can't say.  Second, I will go ahead and post this comment from Miss Mail Order, but my life is so peaceful and calm without he and his family in it, that this will not be the start of new drama. She can kiss my ass. I am not going back to drama and turmoil, but if that what she thrives on, then she's marrying the right person.

Now, I could get really nasty...I could say things like I'm pretty sure he got her off the discount rack because she wasn't a virgin, but I won't.... wait..... ooops. See, I've been so focused on peace, and love that people are apparently under the mistaken impression that I can be walked all over. Yeah....that's not about to happen.  She doesn't need to think that the minute she steps onto U.S. soil that she's going to start with me. Why the hell does she read my blog anyway? She's of absolutely no consequence to me. None. If she had a television show bigger than Oprah, I doubt I'd even watch it.... so she can leave me and my blog alone. Maybe she should start her own blog. She can say whatever she wants about me, and not only will I not read it, or give a rat's tiny little butt what it has to say, I won't comment on it, or start shit with someone who I truly do not care anything about.


So here's what I have to say.... she asked me to publish it, so I will. I know that you all like to FB message me about my blog, but I really think that MMO would love to hear from all of you...so if you have anything to say about this blog, please be kind enough to post it here, where she can read your thoughts.... I'm sure she'd love to hear from my readers.


I could go either way here....post it with or without my commentary..... hmmmm??????

Let's see?????

YOU ARE A BIG TIME HYPOCRITE YOU THAT tracy?(maybe she doesn't understand hypocrite. A hypocrite is someone who says or does the opposite of what they supposedly believe in....like people who "don't believe in divorce" but marry someone who's divorced.)? DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER THAT YOU WRITE ABOUT ME IN YOUR BLOG EVERYWEEK?YOUR SUCH AN IDIOT. IF YOU TRULLY ARE A SMART WRITER THEN YOU SHOULD BE MORE CREATIVE YOU KNOW.. IT SEEMS TO ME YOU CANT CANT WRITE AT ALL.THE ONLY TIME YOUR ABLE TO WRITE IS WHEN YOU CRITIZE MY FIANCE,WHICH HAPPEN TO BE THE FATHER OF YOUR KIDS(maybe she doesn't understand my blog...it's about my life.... past, present, and future....her fiance was a part of that, and is, as she points out, the father of my kids, so chances of him being in my blog from time to time are pretty high. Although, I will say that since I'm more focused on positivity and my future, he barely makes my blog anymore.) AND THE PERSON WHO SUPPORT YOUR NEEDS.LETS ADMIT IT FOR ONCE,YOUR A PARTIME TEACHER WHO BARELY MAKE SOMETHING,SOYOU NEED OUR MONEY (ding ding ding!!!! OUR MONEY!!!!!!!! Wow!!!!! See that???? Her fiance is nothing more than her cash cow!!!!!! I'm so happy she wrote that!) TO BE ABLE TO MAKE IT. STOP ACTING LIKE YOUR BETTER THAN ME BECAUSE ,FIRST YOUR NOT. YOUR NOTHING BUT AN EXWIFE.GET OVER YOURSELF.AND ALSO NO ONE IS INTERESTED IN YOUR LIFE IN THE PHILIPPINES,DONT GET IT TWISTED,YOUR NOTHING BUT A WANNA BE WRITER WHO IM SURE WOULD NOT MAKE IT ON TOP, ( I actually love it on top...it's one of my favorite positions.)A BITTER EXWIFE WITH AN UGLY ATTITUDE. (Don't confuse my disdain for you with my general attitude.)

IM A COLLEGE GRADUATE AND TEACHER LIKE YOURSELF. SO START ACTING LIKE ONE,YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? DONT BE TACKY. ALSO WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING ME MAIL ORDER BRIDE? DO YOU HAVE A BRAIN?(I do have a brain, actually, which is how I know that  he went shopping for you on Cherryblossoms.com)  ITS FUNNY BECAUSE YOU SOUND VERY JEALOUS OF ME.(Yes, I'm jealous that you are a bitchy little Filipino who clearly had it so bad in her own country, she made one of the worst decisions of her entire life AND she's starting to realize it ALREADY!!!) I WOULD TOO. I KNOW YOUR GETTING MARRIED JUST LIKE ME,DONT STRESS YOURSELF ABOUT ME.HAHAHAH..IT COULD GIVE YOU MORE WRINKLES THAN YOU ALREADY HAVE =) (Awww...how sweet, you're worried about my well being...honey, you are the last person who could stress me out, and you can keep making the "old" jokes, because it's all you've got, but I'm not at all insecure about my age, looks, or intelligence....furthermore, if you want to be brutally honest, you could use some major orthodontic work...maybe you're hubby will pop for braces like he did the rest of his kids.)

ACCORDING TO YOU,YOU ARE SO HAPPY RIGHT? (YES) BECAUSE OF WHAT LIFE YOU HAVE NOW?(YES) IM GLAD YOU ARE. BUT WHY INCLUDE ME IN YOUR BLOG? (Because I can) MY FIANCE? ITS BEEN YEARS(ONE),MOVE ON.AND DONT TELL ME YOU HAVE MOVE ON BECAUSE YOU SOUND LIKE YOU HAVENT.ANY PERSON WHO READ YOUR STUPID BLOG WOULD SAY YOUR JEALOUS OF ME,(if it's so stupid QUIT READING IT!!!!!!)YOU DEFINETLY ARE NOT HAPPY. WELL MAYBE A LITTLE,BUT YOU ARE NOT TRULY 100% HAPPY LIKE ME.(Which is it? DEFINITELY NOT? Or MAYBE A LITTLE?) ALSO DONT GET YOU HOPES UP ABOUT ME GOING BACK HOME,BECAUSE IM NOT EVER GOING TO LEAVE MY FIANCE.SORRY TO DISAPPOINT YOU. IM SORRY THAT YOUR PAST HAVE MAKE YOU UNHAPPY. TOUGH SH*T. (Yes...tough shit...shit happens..... you're totally right.... I'm not unhappy about your fiance anymore...we have actually had a couple of lovely talks lately.... and I DO NOT want you to go back home!!!! He's much easier to deal with when he's getting a little...you know what I mean?No, you're exactly the thing I need here to occupy his time so he leaves my and my fiance alone.When he's bored, or lonely he likes to eff with me....so please stay!!!!)

ANYHOW, CRITIZING ME MAKES YOU 10 TIMES FOLD FUGLY.YEA I SAID. (OK...yeah you said...but what the hell did you say? I don't even know what that means....it's either a language thing, or a generational thing, but either way, you're going to have to be a little more clear with your insults.) EXPECT A MESSAGE FROM ME ONCE IN A WHILE BECAUSE I FOR ONE WOULD NOT SIT HERE AND NOT RESPONCE TO YOUR NONSENSE.(Grow up and get over it....quit reading my damn blog, and focus on your new home, husband, etc..... I'm not going to play these games with you. I'm done. The only thing you will accomplish is giving your husband a big giant pain in his ass by acting like an asinine teenager.)YOU DO NOT KNOW ME. LIKE I DONT KNOW YOU. (Thank God)

YOU HAVE A NICE. (Ass???.... thanks, I've been told that a lot.)

P.S

Accept my comment to your blog because last time you did not able to put it. and OH! don't change or alter my message, theres a lil chance you may and be the victim. (Oh I did...enjoy! What's the victim thing? Is that a threat? On the World Wide Web?)

So there you have it, I'm sorry....sometimes taking the high road is too much to ask.... I'll do better tomorrow.


Life's short. Buy the shoes;)

unplug and unwind.....

What a gorgeous day! True to my word, I've been running, cleaning, and now more blogging. This has been a restful week. It's been so amazingly beautiful outside....I can't believe how great this spring break has been! I have enjoyed time outside every day, the sunshine is so good for the soul. I just feel better when I can soak up the sun, and get some running in. (Although,  I must admit, I feel like I've been doing more walking than running this week.)  I've logged about 15 miles, or so, and by the end of today, it'll be closer to twenty, and I feel like I've walked at least half of that, but "training" for the marathon aside... it just feels really good to get outside and move around. The treadmill is soooooo depressing!

There has been some activity down in Kentucky. I haven't really processed it, as of yet, so I'm not sure I can blog about it, but let's just say, Miss Mail Order was asking to go back home last night.  I guess maybe a divorced guy with six kids ain't all it's cracked up to be? Anyway, when hell was  breaking loose, I was trying to have a relaxing afternoon at the salon. So, in the middle of cut and color, I told the ex to just send my kids home. Miss Mail Order wasn't dealing well at all. I told him she was probably home sick and jet lagged, and the kids were just making it worse. (Who's awesome idea was it to have the whole crew down there the minute she stepped off the boat?) Anyway, my phone died while I was at the salon, so I didn't have to deal with it. That's his problem, for sure. I figured he'd ship the kids back first thing this morning, but other than some residual bitching about how messy they are, and how dramatic our daughter is, I haven't heard anything that would indicate they are heading back early. Apparently he's going to be a dad, and ride out the storm with his kids.


Can I just say..... life is so much better when you decide that people are going to be who they are, and you can't control it. Let the haters be hateful, let the dramatic folks have their drama. Life is so much better when you just tune out. Turn off your phone, keep them off of your facebook, twitter, whatever. Get back to the good ol' days, when you didn't read everyone's every move on social media. It really takes a lot of stress away. Tune out of technology, get outside, run, walk, play, whatever. Enjoy your kids, enjoy your spouse, enjoy your life.  Let other people's bullsh*t be their own. My week has been peaceful, due, in large part to making the choice to be present in my own life, not other people's. I have to say that what was going on in KY last night, was mildly entertaining, but at the end of the day, my phone died, and I felt a huge sense of relief. I knew my kids were fine. I can't control what goes on at their dad's. I need this time to recuperate from my everyday life. I do not need added drama.  So, choosing to unplug, and get outside has proven to be one of the best decisions I've made all month!  Sure, I've checked on the kids, but I talk to them, I hear they're fine, and I'm good to go. I can focus on "me time".

Shanon and I have date night planned the next two nights, and there is no phone, or internet allowed. The kids are fine and with their dad. It's our turn to get to be just us.....boyfriend and girlfriend, fiances, whatever you want to call it.... unplugged, and present with one another....and I can't wait! Selfish? Maybe. Necessary? YES!!!!


So....while I was at the salon yesterday, we did a practice "wedding hair" run. OMG! I was so excited! It's going to be so gorgeous! I can't wait! Whitney is a magician with hair...I love her... I was so taken with her vision. It's just perfect. I can't wait to see it all together!  Why can't I have a dress, hair, and make up like this everyday?


Everything just seems to be moving so fast right now. It's like I don't even have time for anyone's drama or bull sh*t, because I have a wedding to plan! It's seeped into every minute of every day. Every thought.....it's just taken over. I love it! It's so much fun. But it had me wondering, what am I going to do when this is over? Will it be a huge let down, like Christmas afternoon? I won't be the bride anymore. There won't be anything to plan. No more dress shopping, no more shoe shopping, no more shower planning..... just back to normal. Ugh. I'm no longer the bride.... but I am  a wife.... which, I guess is the whole point, but after all of this planning has taken up so much time, so many Saturdays, so many evenings, in bed.... how will I fill that time? I mean, I'm sure I'll find a zillion things to fill it, but I know I'll miss the wedding planning. I cannot believe in 66 days, I'll be a bride, and in 67 days, it'll be over.   I guess it will be time to start looking at houses. :):)

It's a gorgeous day, people.... get outside!!!!

Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

taking a break...

Well...

The kids are gone for Spring break. I don't know if I'll ever get used to that.  I hate sending them away, but, by the same token, I know they need to see their dad, and it's good for mom to have some "grown up" time. I know I've said this before, but this is definitely the worst part of divorce. Families aren't meant to be apart. It's so unnatural for a mama to send her babies away. It's something that I really don't think will ever seem normal to me. That being said, I'm definitely going to enjoy the down time with Shanon. I love that man. He would stand on his head, naked, on Green Street, if he thought it would make me happy..... hmmmm.....???


This trip to their Dad's should prove to be very interesting. Miss Mail Order has been delivered to the U.S.  So, step mama should be getting her wake up call right about now... good luck with the Beal kids, Mrs. Beal....hope you don't have jet lag. Have a nice spring break. Enjoy my children....consider them your welcome to the U.S.... and yes, I know you're an avid reader of my blog...I mean how many other people in the Philippines are really very interested in my life? So welcome.... hope the U.S. is everything you thought it would be.


I know I've talked a lot in this blog about how I'm growing, as a person. How all I've been through has not only made me stronger, but better. I hope that's true. There are always going to be things that work my nerves. There will always be things that I feel the need to vent about. As much as I want this blog to reflect the growth a woman can have throughout the twists and turns that life has to offer, this will always be my place to vent. As much as I'm not setting out to offend people, sometimes, I guess it can't be avoided. Not without a major filter, and the day I start filtering myself, is the day that this blog serves absolutely no purpose. So, yes, I'm happy. Yes, I'm growing, but yes, I still have a long way to go to perfection, and I'm still a woman who's been through a hell of a lot due to the stupidity of a man, so eff em if they can't take a joke..... I'm allowed a snide remark every now and again.


So, this Spring Break, I will have the days to myself and the nights with my man. Sounds pretty perfect. I'm doing some spring cleaning, some running and some blogging.  I'm hoping to catch up with some girlfriends, and catch up on some chick flicks.... maybe even read a good book.... any suggestions? I was thinking about downloading Hunger Games on the Kindle.  The kids will be back Friday, so it's really just a work week that I have to fill...after that, the babies are back, and my crazy life returns to my crazy normal.


So for the next few days, I will blog...I will catch you all up on my life.... our wedding is getting so close! I'm so excited! My bridal shower is just a couple of weeks away! I can't wait to see all of my girlfriends!!! Everything is just moving so fast right now! In the blink of an eye the "wedding of the year" will have come and gone, and I will be Mrs. Patterson.... thank goodness, because the sound of "Mrs. Beal" is nauseating....




Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

time flies....

I'm off and it's a gorgeous Spring day! Yay!  I plan to clean, run, blog, and enjoy my day.  Yes, I actually enjoy cleaning my house. I had a day off yesterday, as well. I took the little boys to school, took Christian to breakfast, had my first wedding dress fitting (!) and took Stret's class on a filed trip. It made me remember the days of being an at home mom. Although I'm proud of myself for working outside of the home, I do miss being able to stay home and take care of my kiddos. (Although, when they're in school, there's only so much you can clean and organize.)

I got to go try on my wedding dress. It's SO beautiful.... when she pinned it, I could actually see what it was going to look like when it really fit, and I had a moment.... I've never seen myself in a wedding gown before. I wished my mom could have been there, I wished my girls could have been there, I wishes my sister could have been there. It was one of those moments when you look at yourself, and there are too many emotions to describe....even for me...

I felt beautiful, I felt loved, I felt hopeful for the future. I looked in the mirror and realized that I'm going to be someone's wife again. (I joke that I'm currently "between husbands".)  I truly have never seen a more beautiful dress.... I know I'm biased, but it's perfect, and I can't wait to wear it.... I may never take it off....


Everything is just falling into place. I'm not feeling any stress, I'm just excited and happy. My mom is having such  great time with all of this wedding planning, I have no idea what we're going to do with her after this wedding is over....I think she may fall into a deep depression.... just kidding.....but really....we'll have to find something else to plan...ha!  My bridal shower is coming up, and I am so excited. I feel bad "asking" for gifts. I really don't need anything, I just want to see everyone and it's a really good excuse for a girly get together!

I am probably the least stressed bride ever.... I am enjoying every minute of this. I want to savor it, because  this is it. My one and only REAL wedding, that I'm planning. I have an awesome planner over at the hotel, who is also getting married. I love this girl, and she's making everything so easy. She understands my vision....and being a bride to be, herself, she wants everything perfect, just like I do.

Everything is kind of sailing right now with the kids. Everyone seems happy right now.  My little boys are doing so well at school, and Stret's such a good athlete, and a great kid! What a joy to have. Who says teenagers are difficult? In his true fifth child fashion, he can really roll with the punches.... I couldn't be more blessed.  Elijah is such a joy, as well, and I can't believe that we are talking about planning his sixth birthday party.... when the heck did he get so big??? He's the baby!


Time goes on, kids grow, things change...there are very few constants in life. It's hard to believe that some of my kids are all grown up. I can't believe that my baby is turning SIX.... but most of all I can't believe I'm getting MARRIED!!! Sometimes life takes some amazing twists and turns that you could never have ever imagined in a bazillion years....if you would have told me ten years ago, that this would be my life today, I would have said you were crazy.... but now, today, after so many ups and downs....here we are.... and I can't wait to see what's next.


Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

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