Rest, relax, regroup.....

I'm off today, and hopefully the rest of the week. It feels so good to have time to rest, relax and regroup. I will spend this week, cleaning, running errands, resting, and running....literally (training for the Illinois Marathon).

I will not be exhausted when helping Eli with his homework. I will actually enjoy listening to him read to me, instead of wishing he could go a little faster. Last night (after getting off early, and squeezing in a short nap) the sound of Eli's voice reading me a book actually brought a tear to my eye. It was the sweetest sound ever.  I wish I had the time and energy every day to soak in the little things and take such great joy in each and every moment spent mothering.


I will take joy in cleaning my house, and feel a sense of accomplishment in this gift I can give to my family. Something that, at times, feels like an annoyance or an inconvenience. I will be rested enough to make dinner for everyone (whether they like it or not) ;)  I will catch up on the laundry, and a good book.

I will run.... for myself. I will enjoy the beautiful weather we are having. I will get lost in thoughts and soak in the sunshine while I train for the marathon. This year, I'm part of a relay team, and I can't wait!  I'm so blessed to be healthy enough to run, and to have friends who want to enjoy the experience with me.

I will run mundane errands, but I will be thankful that I have the time and resources to do so. (I'll probably treat myself while I'm out.) ;) 


These are the things I miss about being an at home mom. The very things that I grew bored with while I WAS an at home mom. I took for granted the time I had to spend with my kids when I was able to stay home with them. (And so did they.)  I realize, when I have time off, that this is my comfort zone. Being a homemaker. This is what I've done for 20 years. I take great joy and pride in taking care of my home and children. It's not an easy job, but it's so rewarding. As proud as I am of myself for going back to work, and for doing what I have to do to take care of my kids now, I still struggle with issues like, how do I spend enough time with everyone? How do I take care of  the house, kids, etc. while working full time? How do working moms accomplish everything  that has to be accomplished in a day?


At least I'm lucky enough to be in the field of education where my hours are similar to my kids' hours. At least I can stay home this summer and spend time with my kids while they're off. (Thank you, honey.) At least  I can say  that I've shown my kids that you do what you have to do, and working is a necessity, right now.

So, is my house spotless, like it used to be? No. Do I have to make choices like sleep or laundry? Yes. (Sleep always wins.) Do I let things go, like sweeping and mopping? Sometimes. I don't run everyday, and I don't take as many bubble baths as I used to, but I get all of the important things done each day.  Ball games, homework, and hugs are at the top of the list. My kids' needs are still first, and I'm still a distant second, but I have a wonderful fiance, who always puts me first, and who makes sure I'm taken care of,even when I don't have time to take care of myself.


So today will be, running, writing, and cleaning..... tomorrow more of the same? Probably. I'm thankful to have the time to sit and write. It's good for my soul. I'm taking full advantage of these few days off, because next week, it's back to the craziness of being a working mom.....



Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

advice to daughters

So... I've learned a thing or two along the way about being a girl, a woman, a mom, a sister....a female....

We have soft hearts, we are naturally trusting, we are the stronger sex, even if we are the softer sex. We love with everything we have, and when we're mistreated, we come out on the other side, no worse for the wear, even stronger. No less trusting, no less loving....just smarter.

As a "seasoned pro" at womanhood, ;)  I've got advice for daughters. Not just mine.... all daughters.....

1.  Don't ever give up the girly things that you love right now. Always polish your nails. Always wear lip gloss... even on a bad day. Heck, especially on a bad day.

2. Don't ever lose sight of your goals. Don't replace you goals with someone else's.

3. Get your degree. Have a trade. Go to school.  No matter who's wife or mother you become ALWAYS have your back up plan. You never know when you may need it.

4. Always keep track of your money. Even when it becomes "our money". Learn about finances. Don't run up debt. Pay your bills. Subscribe to a money magazine (as well as Cosmo).... be a smart consumer. Live within your means.

5. Give all you have to give to your family. Every minute. Every day. But don't forget to give to yourself.  If you don't nurture yourself, you cannot nurture others.

6. Don't ever give anyone power or control over your life. You are in charge of your own life, and God is in control.

7. If it feels bad, it is bad.  Love feels good.

8. Don't become dependant on a man for survival. Don't mistake dependency for love.  (See number 7.)

9. Do not presume you can change a person. They will not change. Love them for who they are right now today, or move on.

10. If you are cheated on, end it. Immediately. No questions asked. They have shown you who they are at their core. This will not change.

11. Always be kind.

12. Love yourself...... Love yourself.... Love yourself.....


There you go.... if I could write a manual for girls, that's pretty much what I have to offer. Twelve simple rules. Follow these, and life is good... and in the words of Maya Angelou..." when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."


Life's short. Buy the shoes. ;)

juggling act....

I had to make a tough choice today, as a working mom. I'm not used to having to make these kinds of choices. Little Eli was sick this weekend. It started with vomiting, Saturday night.....ALL NIGHT LONG. I finally gave him some tummy meds about 2am, and he was knocked out from about 3am until 5pm Sunday. I was really hoping that Sunday, when he woke, he'd be fine. That was not the case. He had about a 101 degree fever and he was only awake about 2 or 3 hours until he was knocked out again for the rest of the night.  The fever, on a Sunday night, was all I needed to know that he wouldn't be going to school Monday. However, I was still expected to be at my school Monday morning. I struggled with what to do for hours. I was trying to figure out a way to pass him between siblings and let them juggle him between classes and driver's ed. I tried to be ok with the fact that he'd survive without me for a day, being bounced around, instead of in his bed, resting.... I really tried. I just couldn't do it. I finally decided that Eli, being in his bed, resting, was what he needed more than anything, and for him to be able to do that, I needed to be home with him.

I love my job, and even if I didn't, I would always  want to  work hard, and give my best effort. I have been very fortunate to have a long term sub position at my school, and although that is ending this week, my next position, in the second grade, starts next week and will run through the end of the year. The fact that my principal ok'd me moving across the hall for the remainder of the year, tells me that he's pleased with my job performance. The last thing I want to do is screw that up, buy half-assing it, or taking days off.  I always give it my all, and I know that it will pay off with a permanent teaching position one of these days.

These are the conflicts that working moms have to deal with. I've never had to choose between my livelihood, and my kid's health. I knew that staying home was what was best for Eli, but me having a job is also in Eli's best interest. In the end, I didn't have it in me to stay at work while he was home sick. I went in, made sub plans, told my principal I had a sick kid, and left my 5th graders in very capable hands, while I went home to stay with Eli before his big brother had to go to class. When I got home he was playing video games in his jammies. He's still running a low grade fever, but appears to be feeling better.  So today is today.  We'll look at tomorrow, tomorrow. One day at a time. That's life right now.


I have always had a very soft spot in my heart for my babies. I know that every mom does, but at times, I can actually feel their pain. I tend to take on their emotions, and I often wish I could fix things for them. I know that it's not good to try to fix everything. An important part of becoming an adult is experiencing and dealing with different emotions. I'm a big believer in natural consequences, so naturally being a "fixer" can sometimes, contradict that. Little things like running out of clean clothes if you forget to take your laundry downstairs, is a natural consequence that I'm ok with.  It's the bigger things that are hard to watch, like the bad grades that come along with skipping classes. Believe me, I know these are valuable lessons that many a college student has had to learn the hard way. I know that there's absolutely nothing I can do about it, but watch them make the mistake, and be there for them, with some sound advice,  once they have to decide what's next.

I have, since the divorce, found myself parenting differently. Sometimes parenting out of guilt. Letting them off the hook with chores, ignoring disrespectful behavior, instead of holding them accountable, making excuses for bad behavior instead of giving them consequences. I know it's not doing them any favors. Before the divorce, this family had daily chores. Everyone had to help clean up after dinner. Everyone pitched in with laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, bathrooms, etc. Since the move back to Illinois, I have done almost everything myself, (with the help of Shanon) or have had to bribe the kids with money just to help out. (With the exception of Stret being the "trash taker outer".) 

My reasoning for this was simple, they were traumatized. They didn't ask to be from a broken home. They needed some "babying". I really believed that they would all get through the divorce, and all would just go back to normal, but instead, now, when I ask for help, or ask someone to do a chore that used to be a daily occurrence, they look at me like I have 3 heads. It's common now, for me to ask for something to be done, while I'm gone, and it's still sitting there, waiting for me when I get home. It's very frustrating, and yet, somehow, I know I created it.  I know I'm doing them a disservice by letting them get by with the lazy behavior, and I need the help more now that I'm working, than I ever did before.


It seems like every time I turn around, I'm starting over again. This is yet another one of those things, that I'm going to have to start again, back at square one. I need to implement a chore system again. Similar to the one we always had in place. I know the little boys will be compliant with whatever I put into place, and they will flourish, like they have with everything else. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens with the older ones. I've seen attitudes, since the divorce, that I never saw before.  It seems like the little ones are bouncing back to normal, much quicker than the older ones. Attitudes, grades, everything.... the little ones are doing really well. It does my heart well to know that I haven't screwed them up forever.  The older ones are taking longer than I thought to adjust. Or maybe they're just so mad at me (some of them) that it's going to take time to work through those emotions and be the loving, caring kids I know they are. Whatever the case, I find myself saying, yet again, it's not on my timeline, it's on God's, and He will help me navigate this.


I know the time for guilt has passed. I no longer feel guilty about the divorce. I'm sorry the kids' parents are no longer married, but there was really nothing that I could have done to fix that. Believe me, I tried everything. It is what it is. It's time for me to get strong (yet again) and hold my children accountable for the things I know are right. Grades, chores and being respectful are my Big 3.  I hope it's not too late for the older ones. I hope that I haven't done permanent damage by not requiring certain things for the last year, but realistically, at some point the older ones will have to take responsibility for how they treat people. They will have to take responsibility for what they accomplish (or don't). I've said it many times, if it weren't for Mothers, therapists wouldn't have jobs, but mothers do the best they can, under the circumstances they have been given.

I can totally see what my next hill to climb is. I can see the next "battle". Some of my kids need to focus more on school. Some need to be more respectful, and all need to start pitching in more around the house, because we are a family. Albeit, dysfunctional, we are still a family, and families help each other. It's part of living in a home and functioning as a unit. So, just when I think I'm getting things figured out, there's always one more thing....this parenting gig can be exhausting.


Life's short. Buy the shoes. ;)

what I've learned....

Since I've been writing again, I've heard from many of my friends, friends' mom's and friends of friends....all with one common message...KEEP WRITING!!! It is amazing to me the number of women who have gone through, or are currently going through what I have been through. It amazes me that when you think you're alone, and your world couldn't get any darker, if you just reach out, you will find a light, if only a tiny spark. You will find someone who can say, I've been there... I survived, you will too.

As much as I want to write about my upcoming wedding, the man I love, our plans for the future, my job, and my new life.... I know that so many people are going through what I've been through, and I just feel it's important to share what I've learned.


Never mind the number of people who are willing to break up a family, with no regard for their children. Never mind the home wrecking mistresses who have no regard for a family. I don't get it, and I probably never will. I have no intelligent thoughts to share on this topic, so I can't dig into it right now.  However; what I've learned about people who can choose "fun" over commitment, or a whim, over responsibility, or whatever you want to call it, is that you cannot make them want what you want.

Your dreams, wishes, thoughts, and desires for the future, even if they were once the same, may no longer be the same, and there's nothing you can do about it. You can't force a grown adult to straighten up, or conform, or remember their vows. You just can't, and once it becomes apparent that they are no longer capable of being your partner, in the true sense of the word, then you have to choose a life for yourself that doesn't revolve around the pain and emotional abuse that is being inflicted upon you daily.

What I went through, in my marriage, caused deep scars. Scars that may never completely heal, but finally being free from it feels pretty damn good. Being liberated from the intense emotional pain is indescribable. Being allowed to live my life free from emotional abuse is freeing.


I was married to a covertly controlling person. He was so manipulative, he was able to make it look, from the outside, like I ruled the roost. He made it seem like I was in charge. Of course, I was in charge of running the house, and the kids' activities, etc, because that's how he wanted it. It gave him more time to play. But, in reality, when I caught on to what was going on, I was controlled, and manipulated. I was told that he knew how to kill and dispose of a body without ever being caught. He even went into detail about injecting between the toes, so no one would see the injection sight. (I knew he had access to those types of drugs.) He talked about lye, concrete and shovels. He threatened me with money, he threatened to commit suicide. He threatened to take away my children. Mind games were his favorite kind of abuse.


Once you are emotionally abused, in that manner, for years, it's hard to break away. It's hard, even after the divorce, to realize that there's always going to be the attempt to control. I admit, it can still be tough, at times, to not let my day be ruined by nasty emails, etc, but I do my best to shake it off.  I usually just turn off my phone, and go on with my day. It's hard to control a person who is ignoring you. I choose not to be engaged with the demands, threats, etc.


For you ladies (and gentlemen) who are going through similar situations, just know that the "noise" you hear about money, custody, etc, will be determined by a judge. Trying to settle and play nice, will get you nowhere. There are formulas that are used to determine child support, etc.  Let a judge decide it. You will be happier, in the long run. Your ex will have nothing to hold over your head. "Going back to court", making up nasty b.s.... it's all noise. Once you realize that it's  all a control issue, mind games, etc, you will be free to live your life without fear. Don't be afraid of going to court. Let the judge decide, and live with what's decided. It's not worth the turmoil. Better yet, give it to God. He is in charge. He knows what you need better than you do.


I remember when I was first told by my ex, five and a half years ago, that he wanted to be separated. I was shocked, and terrified. I was in disbelief. I was crushed. I could see all of my dreams for the future just fade away. I couldn't imagine a more horrible fate for me and the kids. I literally remember thinking, "I'll have to move out of my kids' home. We'll be in a little condo somewhere. It will be horrible. I'll have to find a job. My kids will not have an at home mom."  At that time,to me,  there was nothing worse. But, like I said, you can't impose your dreams for the future upon someone else.... and now, I'm in a little condo, with a job, and I couldn't be more thankful for what I've got. I'm so much happier without the constant turmoil in my life.

God knew what I needed. Although I prayed and prayed for my family to stay in tact, the Lord knew I needed something else. He answered my prayers, just not the way I asked Him to. He knows what you need, and you know what they say about unanswered prayers.

My ex's need for control may never end. My most peaceful days are when he's very far away, and preoccupied with his next conquest, but when he chooses to try to ruin my day, I choose to ignore it. When a person is so unhappy with his or her own life,  that the only joy they get is to try to make someone else as miserable as they are, you have to just walk away. Don't engage. It's what they want. I'm sorry, but my happiness was stolen for long enough. My joy was taken for years. I'm not going to allow it anymore. At the time I didn't understand that I was participating in the nonsense. Now I get it... I'm happy. Miserable people hate happy people. I totally get it. I'm no longer a willing participant in his mind games. Not now, not ever again. So can a shitty email put me in a bad mood? Maybe for a minute, but it's getting easier and easier to just laugh and go on with my day.


Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

choosing happiness....

I just had the best weekend I've had on a long time. I was calm and peaceful and had an overall feeling of genuine happiness. There were things that could have made me sad. There were things that might have changed the overall tone of the weekend, if I had let it, but I'm happy to say that I've really gotten to the place where I prefer to be happy. I prefer to choose happiness over sadness. I prefer to ignore the "noise" from the peanut gallery, and just be...

It was a great weekend because I got to watch Stret play basketball, and socialize with the other team moms, who I love. Maddie got her driving permit! That is so amazing to me. My fourth kid is driving! How old am I???  I got to have lunch with Shanon and Mom, and then do some fun things for the wedding together.

Sunday, we got up and went to church with the little boys, we did some grocery shopping with Nick (because he needed stuff for his new place) and got to go to the Bridal Expo, where we accomplished a lot! (Even secured a harpist for the wedding!)

This was so much fun for me.....mainly because those are all fun things to do, but also because I chose not to focus on the negative aspects of these things.  Like the fact that my Nicholas is moving to Indiana to go to school this weekend (ouch... that still stings a little) and the fact that my girls don't want to be involved in my wedding planning. (How much fun would that be, if  they would?)

I have found a way to be happy. After everything that I've been through in the last couple of years. After all of the every day drama that can take place dealing with everyone's personalities and quirks. After all of the minutiae, after all of the b.s., I just want to choose happiness, so I do. I have really found a peace within myself, which gives me permission to be happy.   I have had to really come to an understanding that I can't be responsible for everyone's happiness. I want them to be happy, but they also have to choose happiness over sadness. They, too have to choose to be positive instead of negative. They have to choose peace over drama. I can't make those choices for them.


I have embraced those who want  to celebrate with me. I am so thankful that I have a mother, here, to help me plan my wedding. I'm thankful to have a dad to give me away. Believe me, I don't take those things for granted anymore. I don't take people for granted anymore. I have learned that people are not permanent fixtures. People can be there one day and gone the next, for many different reasons. We should cherish those that we love. I have learned to love and cherish every day.


The fact that I'm finally settling back into a happy place, means that I can offer my best self to my fiance, my kids, my family, and everyone around me. The fact that I finally feel like that awful sadness is totally behind me, means that I can offer my kids a peace that I couldn't, even a year ago.


There may always be scars from what I've experienced. I don't know that anyone gets through this life unscathed, but I do know that I've grown so much through this healing process, and I've learned a lot  about myself. I have an inner strength that I never knew existed. I have an inner peace that I never knew how to summons. These would be great things to know about yourself before a crisis happens, but for some reason, we usually don't find out until we're in survival mode. Like Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Women are like tea bags. You never know how strong they are until they're in hot water."  I love that quote.  (Her husband was also an infamous cheater.)

When I was first writing this blog, there was a lot of negativity, and a lot of blaming. I've really grown past that. What's happened has happened. Everything happens for a reason... I know it's cliche, but it's not for me to ask why. I'm not defined by the twists and turns my life has taken, but how I have reacted to them. I'm choosing happiness. Saying it is a start, but you actually have to DO it. Each time you have the choice to be happy or not, you really have to choose to be happy..... after a while you find yourself smiling at nothing. You find yourself laughing with strangers. You find yourself feeling genuinely content, and you know, choosing to be happy has turned into just.....being happy......


Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)

didn't take long....

Well.... it certainly didn't take long to irritate people. I am sorry about that. At some point people have to take responsibility for their own reactions to things.  At some point, blaming others for problems that you need to work through, won't work for you anymore. I'm not just talking about my kids' pissiness. I'm talking about grown people who believe that I'm writing things for their benefit. Contrary to popular belief, I don't sit here and think, "Let's see.... how can I irritate people today."  I'm writing to get things out of my head.... I'm writing because I like the encouragement, and feedback I get. I realize I have to take the good with the bad. It's like anything in life. With the good, comes the bad.... take it with the grain of salt. My 7th grade teacher said it best, you have to be true to yourself. She's right. I have to be true to myself.


Talking about Mrs. Filicsky, makes me want to tell you about my teaching job(s). I am really enjoying teaching this year. I'm currently at Southside school, and I love it!  I have been covering a maternity leave for a 5th grade teacher since the beginning of October.  These kids have become "my kids". I love them, and I'm already sad about leaving them at the end of January. Luckily, I have stumbled into another maternity leave position which starts the week after this assignment ends. It's for a second grade teacher, who is right across the hall from my 5th graders. It will last through the first week of  May, which brings me to the wedding, and I will need a week or so off, to prepare for that, I'm sure!

Mrs. Filicsky was always my favorite teacher. I have a soft spot for her, and Mrs. Graham, my kindergarten teacher. They both had the biggest impact on me. I find myself borrowing pages from Mrs. Filicsky's playbook, at times. I remember that she let me give the class the spelling tests (sometimes she let JaFaye Lillard, but mostly it was me.)  ;)  She knew I would ace the test.... I always did, I was on the spelling team, spelling words like onomatopoeia, so words like "preposition" posed no challenge for me.  She not only let me give the test, sometimes she left the room and let me be in charge. :) Any guesses on why I wanted to be a teacher? I was very lucky to have caring, nurturing teachers, as a child, and I want nothing more than to pass that along to the kids I teach.  I truly love kids, and I find their innocence refreshing. I know that there are things I could do, that would allow me to make more money, but there's nothing I could do that would be as fulfilling. So hats off to great teachers.... your work will never be forgotten....


I promised to write about being engaged.... I would like to set aside time to really write about being engaged, for the first time, really. Wedding planning, again, for really, the first time. How I talked him into a pink ring.... haha.... you know, all the fun stuff....  I will write it. It seems like I don't have a whole lot of control over what comes out....it's just whatever is on my mind, and today, my 5th graders must be on my mind. However, I will include a link to our wedding website. Feel free to browse around. Message me if you want a password for the guestbook page. Sadly, we had to add a password because we got hacked. :(    http://tracy-shanon.ourwedding.com/  


I'm also thinking about my kid in the Philippines..... I know he's doing ok. He's tweeting up a storm, and including pics. I love the updates! Unfortunately, he's of legal drinking age over there.... great. Oh well.... what's college without a blackout or two?  He seems intrigued by the culture, and keeps saying how much he appreciates everything back home a lot more after seeing how they live over there. It's probably really good for him. Safe travels, baby. I love you.


I don't know when I'll have time to blog again. I'm back at school tomorrow, but I will try to carve out a little time each week, for updating the blog. I have missed all of you and I have missed the time with myself.... thinking, writing, healing, growing....


Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)