juggling act....

I had to make a tough choice today, as a working mom. I'm not used to having to make these kinds of choices. Little Eli was sick this weekend. It started with vomiting, Saturday night.....ALL NIGHT LONG. I finally gave him some tummy meds about 2am, and he was knocked out from about 3am until 5pm Sunday. I was really hoping that Sunday, when he woke, he'd be fine. That was not the case. He had about a 101 degree fever and he was only awake about 2 or 3 hours until he was knocked out again for the rest of the night.  The fever, on a Sunday night, was all I needed to know that he wouldn't be going to school Monday. However, I was still expected to be at my school Monday morning. I struggled with what to do for hours. I was trying to figure out a way to pass him between siblings and let them juggle him between classes and driver's ed. I tried to be ok with the fact that he'd survive without me for a day, being bounced around, instead of in his bed, resting.... I really tried. I just couldn't do it. I finally decided that Eli, being in his bed, resting, was what he needed more than anything, and for him to be able to do that, I needed to be home with him.

I love my job, and even if I didn't, I would always  want to  work hard, and give my best effort. I have been very fortunate to have a long term sub position at my school, and although that is ending this week, my next position, in the second grade, starts next week and will run through the end of the year. The fact that my principal ok'd me moving across the hall for the remainder of the year, tells me that he's pleased with my job performance. The last thing I want to do is screw that up, buy half-assing it, or taking days off.  I always give it my all, and I know that it will pay off with a permanent teaching position one of these days.

These are the conflicts that working moms have to deal with. I've never had to choose between my livelihood, and my kid's health. I knew that staying home was what was best for Eli, but me having a job is also in Eli's best interest. In the end, I didn't have it in me to stay at work while he was home sick. I went in, made sub plans, told my principal I had a sick kid, and left my 5th graders in very capable hands, while I went home to stay with Eli before his big brother had to go to class. When I got home he was playing video games in his jammies. He's still running a low grade fever, but appears to be feeling better.  So today is today.  We'll look at tomorrow, tomorrow. One day at a time. That's life right now.


I have always had a very soft spot in my heart for my babies. I know that every mom does, but at times, I can actually feel their pain. I tend to take on their emotions, and I often wish I could fix things for them. I know that it's not good to try to fix everything. An important part of becoming an adult is experiencing and dealing with different emotions. I'm a big believer in natural consequences, so naturally being a "fixer" can sometimes, contradict that. Little things like running out of clean clothes if you forget to take your laundry downstairs, is a natural consequence that I'm ok with.  It's the bigger things that are hard to watch, like the bad grades that come along with skipping classes. Believe me, I know these are valuable lessons that many a college student has had to learn the hard way. I know that there's absolutely nothing I can do about it, but watch them make the mistake, and be there for them, with some sound advice,  once they have to decide what's next.

I have, since the divorce, found myself parenting differently. Sometimes parenting out of guilt. Letting them off the hook with chores, ignoring disrespectful behavior, instead of holding them accountable, making excuses for bad behavior instead of giving them consequences. I know it's not doing them any favors. Before the divorce, this family had daily chores. Everyone had to help clean up after dinner. Everyone pitched in with laundry, dusting, sweeping, mopping, bathrooms, etc. Since the move back to Illinois, I have done almost everything myself, (with the help of Shanon) or have had to bribe the kids with money just to help out. (With the exception of Stret being the "trash taker outer".) 

My reasoning for this was simple, they were traumatized. They didn't ask to be from a broken home. They needed some "babying". I really believed that they would all get through the divorce, and all would just go back to normal, but instead, now, when I ask for help, or ask someone to do a chore that used to be a daily occurrence, they look at me like I have 3 heads. It's common now, for me to ask for something to be done, while I'm gone, and it's still sitting there, waiting for me when I get home. It's very frustrating, and yet, somehow, I know I created it.  I know I'm doing them a disservice by letting them get by with the lazy behavior, and I need the help more now that I'm working, than I ever did before.


It seems like every time I turn around, I'm starting over again. This is yet another one of those things, that I'm going to have to start again, back at square one. I need to implement a chore system again. Similar to the one we always had in place. I know the little boys will be compliant with whatever I put into place, and they will flourish, like they have with everything else. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens with the older ones. I've seen attitudes, since the divorce, that I never saw before.  It seems like the little ones are bouncing back to normal, much quicker than the older ones. Attitudes, grades, everything.... the little ones are doing really well. It does my heart well to know that I haven't screwed them up forever.  The older ones are taking longer than I thought to adjust. Or maybe they're just so mad at me (some of them) that it's going to take time to work through those emotions and be the loving, caring kids I know they are. Whatever the case, I find myself saying, yet again, it's not on my timeline, it's on God's, and He will help me navigate this.


I know the time for guilt has passed. I no longer feel guilty about the divorce. I'm sorry the kids' parents are no longer married, but there was really nothing that I could have done to fix that. Believe me, I tried everything. It is what it is. It's time for me to get strong (yet again) and hold my children accountable for the things I know are right. Grades, chores and being respectful are my Big 3.  I hope it's not too late for the older ones. I hope that I haven't done permanent damage by not requiring certain things for the last year, but realistically, at some point the older ones will have to take responsibility for how they treat people. They will have to take responsibility for what they accomplish (or don't). I've said it many times, if it weren't for Mothers, therapists wouldn't have jobs, but mothers do the best they can, under the circumstances they have been given.

I can totally see what my next hill to climb is. I can see the next "battle". Some of my kids need to focus more on school. Some need to be more respectful, and all need to start pitching in more around the house, because we are a family. Albeit, dysfunctional, we are still a family, and families help each other. It's part of living in a home and functioning as a unit. So, just when I think I'm getting things figured out, there's always one more thing....this parenting gig can be exhausting.


Life's short. Buy the shoes. ;)