It was a great weekend because I got to watch Stret play basketball, and socialize with the other team moms, who I love. Maddie got her driving permit! That is so amazing to me. My fourth kid is driving! How old am I??? I got to have lunch with Shanon and Mom, and then do some fun things for the wedding together.
Sunday, we got up and went to church with the little boys, we did some grocery shopping with Nick (because he needed stuff for his new place) and got to go to the Bridal Expo, where we accomplished a lot! (Even secured a harpist for the wedding!)
This was so much fun for me.....mainly because those are all fun things to do, but also because I chose not to focus on the negative aspects of these things. Like the fact that my Nicholas is moving to Indiana to go to school this weekend (ouch... that still stings a little) and the fact that my girls don't want to be involved in my wedding planning. (How much fun would that be, if they would?)
I have found a way to be happy. After everything that I've been through in the last couple of years. After all of the every day drama that can take place dealing with everyone's personalities and quirks. After all of the minutiae, after all of the b.s., I just want to choose happiness, so I do. I have really found a peace within myself, which gives me permission to be happy. I have had to really come to an understanding that I can't be responsible for everyone's happiness. I want them to be happy, but they also have to choose happiness over sadness. They, too have to choose to be positive instead of negative. They have to choose peace over drama. I can't make those choices for them.
I have embraced those who want to celebrate with me. I am so thankful that I have a mother, here, to help me plan my wedding. I'm thankful to have a dad to give me away. Believe me, I don't take those things for granted anymore. I don't take people for granted anymore. I have learned that people are not permanent fixtures. People can be there one day and gone the next, for many different reasons. We should cherish those that we love. I have learned to love and cherish every day.
The fact that I'm finally settling back into a happy place, means that I can offer my best self to my fiance, my kids, my family, and everyone around me. The fact that I finally feel like that awful sadness is totally behind me, means that I can offer my kids a peace that I couldn't, even a year ago.
There may always be scars from what I've experienced. I don't know that anyone gets through this life unscathed, but I do know that I've grown so much through this healing process, and I've learned a lot about myself. I have an inner strength that I never knew existed. I have an inner peace that I never knew how to summons. These would be great things to know about yourself before a crisis happens, but for some reason, we usually don't find out until we're in survival mode. Like Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Women are like tea bags. You never know how strong they are until they're in hot water." I love that quote. (Her husband was also an infamous cheater.)
When I was first writing this blog, there was a lot of negativity, and a lot of blaming. I've really grown past that. What's happened has happened. Everything happens for a reason... I know it's cliche, but it's not for me to ask why. I'm not defined by the twists and turns my life has taken, but how I have reacted to them. I'm choosing happiness. Saying it is a start, but you actually have to DO it. Each time you have the choice to be happy or not, you really have to choose to be happy..... after a while you find yourself smiling at nothing. You find yourself laughing with strangers. You find yourself feeling genuinely content, and you know, choosing to be happy has turned into just.....being happy......
Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)
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