As much as I want to write about my upcoming wedding, the man I love, our plans for the future, my job, and my new life.... I know that so many people are going through what I've been through, and I just feel it's important to share what I've learned.
Never mind the number of people who are willing to break up a family, with no regard for their children. Never mind the home wrecking mistresses who have no regard for a family. I don't get it, and I probably never will. I have no intelligent thoughts to share on this topic, so I can't dig into it right now. However; what I've learned about people who can choose "fun" over commitment, or a whim, over responsibility, or whatever you want to call it, is that you cannot make them want what you want.
Your dreams, wishes, thoughts, and desires for the future, even if they were once the same, may no longer be the same, and there's nothing you can do about it. You can't force a grown adult to straighten up, or conform, or remember their vows. You just can't, and once it becomes apparent that they are no longer capable of being your partner, in the true sense of the word, then you have to choose a life for yourself that doesn't revolve around the pain and emotional abuse that is being inflicted upon you daily.
What I went through, in my marriage, caused deep scars. Scars that may never completely heal, but finally being free from it feels pretty damn good. Being liberated from the intense emotional pain is indescribable. Being allowed to live my life free from emotional abuse is freeing.
I was married to a covertly controlling person. He was so manipulative, he was able to make it look, from the outside, like I ruled the roost. He made it seem like I was in charge. Of course, I was in charge of running the house, and the kids' activities, etc, because that's how he wanted it. It gave him more time to play. But, in reality, when I caught on to what was going on, I was controlled, and manipulated. I was told that he knew how to kill and dispose of a body without ever being caught. He even went into detail about injecting between the toes, so no one would see the injection sight. (I knew he had access to those types of drugs.) He talked about lye, concrete and shovels. He threatened me with money, he threatened to commit suicide. He threatened to take away my children. Mind games were his favorite kind of abuse.
Once you are emotionally abused, in that manner, for years, it's hard to break away. It's hard, even after the divorce, to realize that there's always going to be the attempt to control. I admit, it can still be tough, at times, to not let my day be ruined by nasty emails, etc, but I do my best to shake it off. I usually just turn off my phone, and go on with my day. It's hard to control a person who is ignoring you. I choose not to be engaged with the demands, threats, etc.
For you ladies (and gentlemen) who are going through similar situations, just know that the "noise" you hear about money, custody, etc, will be determined by a judge. Trying to settle and play nice, will get you nowhere. There are formulas that are used to determine child support, etc. Let a judge decide it. You will be happier, in the long run. Your ex will have nothing to hold over your head. "Going back to court", making up nasty b.s.... it's all noise. Once you realize that it's all a control issue, mind games, etc, you will be free to live your life without fear. Don't be afraid of going to court. Let the judge decide, and live with what's decided. It's not worth the turmoil. Better yet, give it to God. He is in charge. He knows what you need better than you do.
I remember when I was first told by my ex, five and a half years ago, that he wanted to be separated. I was shocked, and terrified. I was in disbelief. I was crushed. I could see all of my dreams for the future just fade away. I couldn't imagine a more horrible fate for me and the kids. I literally remember thinking, "I'll have to move out of my kids' home. We'll be in a little condo somewhere. It will be horrible. I'll have to find a job. My kids will not have an at home mom." At that time,to me, there was nothing worse. But, like I said, you can't impose your dreams for the future upon someone else.... and now, I'm in a little condo, with a job, and I couldn't be more thankful for what I've got. I'm so much happier without the constant turmoil in my life.
God knew what I needed. Although I prayed and prayed for my family to stay in tact, the Lord knew I needed something else. He answered my prayers, just not the way I asked Him to. He knows what you need, and you know what they say about unanswered prayers.
My ex's need for control may never end. My most peaceful days are when he's very far away, and preoccupied with his next conquest, but when he chooses to try to ruin my day, I choose to ignore it. When a person is so unhappy with his or her own life, that the only joy they get is to try to make someone else as miserable as they are, you have to just walk away. Don't engage. It's what they want. I'm sorry, but my happiness was stolen for long enough. My joy was taken for years. I'm not going to allow it anymore. At the time I didn't understand that I was participating in the nonsense. Now I get it... I'm happy. Miserable people hate happy people. I totally get it. I'm no longer a willing participant in his mind games. Not now, not ever again. So can a shitty email put me in a bad mood? Maybe for a minute, but it's getting easier and easier to just laugh and go on with my day.
Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)
It sure makes it a lot easier to go through the crap when you figure out that God is in control and you have grown and are a better, wiser person for having suffered the pain. Keep writing - you never know who you'll touch at just the time they need to hear your words. Hold your head up - kids will eventually get you and outgrow their selfishness and rejoice in your happiness. Laura Broderick
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