looking back...

While putting the laundry away today (after teaching all day, attending an IEP meeting, picking up the boys from school, and getting slushies on the way home) I hung up a basketball jersey that Nick wore in about the 7th grade, when he played travel ball. Clearly, he still wears it. As I was putting it on the hanger, I realized that my kids have so many great memories. Memories of ball teams, tae kwon do tournaments, our church family (and a Mom who sang "The Sunday School" song to wake them on Sunday morning.) They have memories of holidays spent with family, and birthday parties with family and friends. They have memories of siblings being born, and of course, all of the things that brothers and sisters do to annoy one another.  I started to realize, that kids are so resilient. Way more resilient than adults. My kids' relationships with their siblings have changed, and grown stronger. They are more mature, and they definitely spend more time being there for one another than they do annoying one another (for the most part.)

It just really hit home that the resilience of kids allows them to bounce back so quickly. I have seen them watching home movies and laughing about how funny they were when they were little.  I have listened to them reminisce about how they won their trophies. It dawned on me that all of these happy memories have far outweighed the bad ones.  Even though they had a pretty rough couple of years, we are already back to making good memories. Their father and I spent every waking moment trying to raise happy, healthy, well-adjusted adults. Even though we didn't get to finish that together, as a unit, it's still the goal. I have to say that I do carry a lot of guilt (I was raised Lutheran....guilt is just as much a part of me as my left arm) for putting those kids through what they went through during the divorce. I wish I could have protected them from the fighting and the graphic stories they heard from their father about his philandering. But the bottom line is that protecting them from what he was doing was making me sick. Literally.

I've said so many times that you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of your kids. Your kids need a strong, healthy mom. So I finally had to do what I had to do, which was get out. But, as painful as that whole process was, for all involved, the kids still have so many happy memories. I know at first, the bad overshadows the good, but it seems like all of the good is seeping back in. They are able to look back and laugh. They are able to remember and smile....watching them remember the happy times warms my heart. I have been so focused on starting over, and making a new normal, I forgot that it's ok to look back and be happy, too.

Looking at pictures of my babies, and watching home movies is still delightful. Even though my ex and his wife, like to call me "bitter" I believe they are confusing "bitterness" with a general distaste for them. I don't feel "bitter". I am now able to look back and feel the same happiness that I always have. I'm able to be thankful that I had that life, and I'm always extremely thankful that I have these kids. Do I like what their father did to me and our family? No. Am I supposed to? Do I have to like someone who hurt me so blatantly over and over, and destroyed our family? I don't think so. Does it make me a "bitter" person? I don't think so. Don't we all have people who we dislike, for good reason? Don't we all have people who, for one reason or another, we'd rather not associate with? I think so. Does that make us "bitter"? Not really. Learning who you can and cannot trust doesn't make you bitter, it makes you smart.


My happiness is still so connected to the kids' happiness. I still feel their pain, literally. When they are hurting, it hurts me, but by the same token, I feel such joy in their happiness. Every little step they take toward normalcy, and happiness makes me happy. Seeing their faces light up with laughter, makes my day.... and I realize.... I'm happy if they're happy....and they are happy. The worst part of this storm has passed....


Life's short. Buy the shoes ;)